UP TO NO GOOD

By Kenneth Lindblom. Kenneth Lindblom is an assistant professor of rhetoric, composition and English at Illinois...

September 16, 1998

I admire the tenacity with which Republicans have attacked the president.

In tribute to their craftiness, I offer my version of their 12-step plan to disempower a popular, effective president:

1) Ignore the fact that the word "media" is plural and claim that "it" has a liberal bias. Soon ordinary citizens will disbelieve any report that is not explicitly conservative.

2) Have the Senate majority leader criticize in minute detail the new president's every move (The "old" Bob Dole, not that nice man who ran for president).

3) Find reasons for the Justice Department to appoint a special persecutor, ah prosecutor, for the president. Find something old so your special prosecutor will have more rocks to look under. The reason for the investigation won't matter if you hire a special prosecutor who isn't bothered by irrelevance or peeping into personal lives. If the Justice Department won't appoint a special prosecutor, don't worry: just calling for one implies you have evidence. Use ordinary citizens' general mistrust of politicians to further your agenda. If the Justice Department continuously refuses your demands, claim they are "hiding" something.

4) When you get a special prosecutor, give him unlimited funds. When Democrats question the investigation, accuse them of being part of the "conspiracy." If the president protests, use it as proof that he's guilty of something. If he's silent, use that as proof of guilt instead.

5) Frame it as an investigation of "character." Since everything can be connected to character, this should be easy. Once ordinary citizens believe you're investigating character, you will appear to be on the side of morality and ethics--but keep a straight face.

6) Keep attacking the president's character and morality. As good campaign issues, these concepts serve double duty. Meanwhile your special prosecutor will focus his spyglass on something--just give him an expensive, high-powered lens. Say anyone who tries to stop you is "in on it." Don't define the "it." Ordinary citizens will define it for you. The dimmer ones will find radio talk-show hosts who will define it for them.

7) Eventually your special prosecutor, going through the motions of the original investigation--what was it? "White something," right?--will find something that actually exists. However you can, link the investigation to sex. Appear pious and morally outraged on television.

8) Invite the president to the grand jury. Question him about something unrelated to trap him in an unrelated lie. He might not really lie; politicians avoid flat-out lies. But don't worry. Later you can claim he's trying to reduce morality to "mere technicality." When you deliver that line on camera, hit the word "mere." Mention that the president is a lawyer.

9) Have a senior Republican--one of the sincere-looking ones--deliver this advice: "Mr. President, accept blame and move on with the business of running the country." If the president does apologize, you've got him.

Say "Aha! I told you he lied!" but refuse to admit he apologized. As long as he didn't cry on camera, you can make it seem like he didn't apologize.

If he does cry, call him a "wimp," (President Bush never did get over that wimp-factor problem.)

10) The president may have to do something important (like launch bombs).

When reporters ask the "Wag the Dog" question, say, "I will not question the president's personal judgment." This will immediately make ordinary citizens question the president's judgment. Using the word "personal" ensures people know exactly what you're "not questioning." If the president doesn't do anything dramatic, attribute it to his being distracted by "personal problems."

11) Receive the special prosecutor's report which will claim to contain evidence that supports impeachment hearings. It had better, after all those millions.

12) Say the report is "serious" and that you must be "bipartisan," but try not to giggle. Then say: "I am not happy to consider impeachment." The more you say this, the more you will persuade ordinary citizens that you actually have a case for impeachment. Claiming unhappiness makes you happier! As long as you remain somber, you might just get away with impeaching a popular, effective president for no substantial reason.

But don't get overconfident. If ordinary citizens realize what you've been up to the past six years, if someone explains how it happened, you might have trouble in November. If some newspaper does publish these 12 steps, you can call the media "liberal," call the writer a heretic, and start the distracting moralizing again. Other ordinary citizens may even join in. Hopefully, that will keep the ordinary citizens busy squabbling with each other while we impeach their president. It might still work.

You'll have to wait and see.